Letter To Bill Gates…

I got this funny letter as a forward and thought I would publish it here… I seriously dont know why these Sardarjis are made fun of like this, but this one is quite funny…

Dear Mr Bill Gates,

This letter is from Banta Singh from Punjab. We have bought a computer
for our home and we found problems, which I want to bring to your
notice.

1. After connecting to internet we planned to open an e-mail account and whenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password column, only ****** appears, but in the rest of the fields whatever we type appears, but we face this problem only in password field. We checked with hardware vendor Santa Singh and he said that there is no problem in keyboard. Because of this we open the e-mail account with password *****. I request you to check this as we ourselves do not know what the password is.

2. There is a button “start” but there is no “stop” button. We request you to check this.

3. A small doubt, is there any ‘re-scooter’ available in the system? I find only ‘re-cycle’, but I own a scooter at home.

4. There is ‘Find’ button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot for tracing the key with this ‘find’, but we were not able to trace. Is it a bug?

5. My child learnt ‘Microsoft word’ now he wants to learn ‘Microsoft sentence’, so when you will provide that?

6. I brought computer, CPU, mouse and keypad, lekhin there is only one icon with ‘My Computer’, remaining ka kya huwa?

7. Aur ye to kamal hai, windows says ‘My Pictures’ lekhin there is not even single photo of mine, So when you will keep my photo in that?

9. There is ‘MICROSOFT OFFICE’, what about ‘MICROSOFT HOME’? I use the PC at home only.

From:
Banta Singh

When Insults Had Class…

Ah! The class of the perfect putdown/insult. Our “insulters” today just don’t have it…..

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
– Winston Churchill

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
– Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”
– William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”
– Groucho Marx

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
– Mark Twain

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”
– Oscar Wilde

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a
friend… if you have one.”
– George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.”
– Winston Churchill to Shaw, in response

“I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.”
– Stephen Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”
– John Bright

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”
– Irvin S. Cobb

“He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.”
– Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”
– Paul Keating

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”
– Mae West

When you feel bored… What should you do?

Hi,
When you feel bored, here are some things you can do..

> THINGS YOU CAN DO WITH ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

1. Blink wildly and then close your eyes really tight for an interesting light show:
Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes
See a variety of blobs, stars and flashes. Try to make out shapes and see if your subconscious is trying to send you a message.
2. See how long you can hold a note:
Amusement Potential: 4-20 minutes
Not that much fun, but it sure passes the time. Play with a friend, or try to beat your own personal best. Inhale deeply and then try and make a noise for as long as you can. Earn extra points for making your partner laugh or ending on an amusing note.
3. Try to not think about penguins:
Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes
This is especially hard, because by trying too much, you remember what you are trying to avoid thinking of. If you try too little, you end up thinking about penguins anyway.
4. Use your secret mind power:
Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes
Pick a passer by and try to use your mind power to command them to do something, like drop their bag or knock into someone. The law of averages dictates that sooner or later one of your mind commands will come true, so you can convince yourself that you really have super human powers and waste even more time trying them out .
5. Pretend you’re a robot:
Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes
Walk down the street with mechanical movements, adding ‘zzzzzt’ sounds with each motion. Pretending to have a motor broken in, say, your left hand, can add at least 30 seconds more entertainment. Though of course if you care about what the others passing by, will think of you, better avoid this .
6. Scratch yourself:
Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes
Go ahead, scratch yourself now. Even if nothing itches, go ahead. Doesn’t that feel pretty good?
7. Repeat the same word over and over until it loses its meaning:
Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes
Pick a random word out of a magazine and say it aloud to yourself until it becomes a meaningless set of noises.
8. Hurt yourself:
Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes
What is pain? Why is it unpleasant? There’s nothing physical about it – it’s all in your mind. Plus, after pinching yourself for a while, boredom will seem nice next to being in pain.
9. Try to swallow your tongue:
Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes
There’s not much to say about this one. It is possible, but really stupid.
10. Pretend to be a car:
Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes
Make appropriate revving noises in your head as you walk along and add a racing commentary as you pass strangers in the street. Use blinking eyes as indicators for extra authenticity.
11. Get yourself as nauseated as possible:
Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes
Best achieved by looking straight up and spinning around. Try to be so dizzy you can’t even stand up. This is also entertaining due to the “makes boredom seem a lot better” effect.
12. Make a low buzzing noise:
Amusement Potential: 15-30 minutes
Hours of fun in libraries (and in boring classes)! Keeping a totally straight face and looking nonchalant, make a low pitch humming/buzzing noise and see who reacts.
13. If none of the above are good enough, do what i am doing right now, write a stupid post and bore others as much as you can .

Good ones

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

People will believe anything if you whisper it.

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.

If you cannot convince them, confuse them.

If you see a man approaching with the obvious intent of doing you good, run for your life.

Learn to be sincere. Even if you have to fake it.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Always tell her she is beautiful, especially if she is not.

The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on.

When you don’t know what you are doing, do it NEATLY.

Teamwork is essential; it allows you to blame someone else.

Do not believe in miracles. Rely on them.

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

Anything is possible, but nothing is easy.

Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.

There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who don’t.

Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.

Anybody can win — unless there happens to be a second entry.

Always keep a record of data. It indicates you’ve been working.

MARRIAGE

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of
chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
- David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better
revenge than to let him keep her.
- Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be
happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
– Socrates

A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the
husband gives and the wife takes.

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us
from achieving them.
– Dumas

The great question… which I have not been able to
answer… is, “What does a woman want?
– Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some
paragraphs with me.

“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We
take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight,
dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”
- Henny Youngman

“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two
years.”
- Sam Kinison

“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even
faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.”
- James Holt McGavran

“I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one
left me and the second one didn’t.”
- Patrick Murray

It’s true that all men are born free and equal,
but some of them get married!

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.
– Nash

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
– Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
– Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
– Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
– Anonymous

“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want
to interrupt her-
Rodney Dangerfield

Proof?!

Harward maths proof of the most important theorem of life!

1. To find a woman, you need time and money,therefore,
woman = time x money.
2. “Time is Money”, so,
time = money
3. Which implies,
woman = money x money
therefore woman = (money)^2
4. “Money is the root of all problems”, so,
money = sqrt(problems)
5. Therefore,
woman = (sqrt(problems))^2
woman = problems!

Hmmm, i dunno, but i believe its sort of true!

STUPID QUESTIONS WITH THE SMART ANSWERS

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn’t heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me…

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what’s your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we’ll be the happiest couple

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don’t you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I’m wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear
and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both
ears and comes out of the mouth.

MARY : John says I’m pretty. Andy says I’m ugly.What do u think,
Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you’re pretty ugly.

1) Girlfriend : “…And are you sure you love me and
no one else ?”
Boyfriend : “Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again
yesterday”.

2) Teacher : “Which is more important to us, the sun
or the moon?”
Pupil : “The moon”.
Teacher : “Why?”
Pupil : “The moon gives us light at night when we need
it, but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don’t need
it”.

3) Teacher : “What do you call a person who keeps on
talking when people are no longer interested?”
Pupil : “A teacher”.

4) Waiter : “Would you like your coffee black?”
Customer : “What other colors do you have?”

5) My father is so old that when he was in school,
history was called current affairs.

6) Teacher : “Sam, you talk a lot !”
Sam : “It’s a family tradition”.
Teacher : “What do you mean?”
Sam : “Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father
is a teacher”.
Teacher : “What about your mother?”
Sam : “She’s a woman”.

7) Tom : “How should I convey the news to my father
that I’ve failed?”
David: “You just send a telegram: Result declared,
past year’s performance repeated”.

Teacher : “Now, children, if I saw a man beating a
donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?”
Student : “Brotherly love”.

9) Teacher : “Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say
prayers before eating?”
Sam : “No sir, I don’t have to, my mom is a good
cook”.

10) Patient : “What are the chances of my recovering
doctor?”
Doctor : “One hundred percent. Medical records show
that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth
case I’ve treated. The others all died”.

11) Teacher : ” Can anybody give an example of
COINCIDENCE?”
One Student : “Sir, my Mother and Father got married
on the same day and
at the same time.”

12) Teacher : ” George Washington not only chopped
down his father’s Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Now do you know why his father didn’t punish him ?”
One Student: ” Because George still had the axe in is
hand.”